Every day as I walk through our garage I pass a toolbox sitting on a shelf, that mostly goes unnoticed.  Once in a while, when I need to hang a picture or tighten a screw, I’ll take out the hammer or screwdriver that I need.  Obviously, the toolbox is only useful if I open it up and use something from it.  Thankfully I don’t need to use it often.

            Not so with the emotional challenges in my life, which call on me to use tools constantly to navigate intense feelings, stress, worry and overwhelm that shows up in the course of the week.  Much of my work as a psychologist involves teaching people to use tools in their day-to-day lives to do just that.  I realize that there are two major challenges that arise:

1.  People need to have the appropriate tools in their repertoire to use

 2.  People need to remember to pull out and use those tools as they go through their day. 

While the second statement seems so obvious, I can attest to the fact that even as a psychologist with so many helpful tools at my disposal, as a human being I sometimes fall into the trap of forgetting to use what I know in the moment to help myself.

Fortunately, one of the tools that I find most helpful is also one of the simplest, and can be used any time and anywhere.  It involves taking a mindful pause, by focusing on the breath as it comes in and as it goes out. It is common for people to throw out the phrase “take a few breaths and calm down”, but it can be useful to understand some of the physiology and benefits behind this, to be more motivated to use this tool. 

Benefits of Mindful Breathing

When we consciously direct our awareness to our breath, our breathing often becomes slower and more regulated.  This sends messages to our brain to help dial down our fight-or-flight response of the sympathetic nervous system (our stress response).  When we pay attention to the sensation of our abdomen expanding as we breathe in and contracting as we breathe out, the message to our bodies is “it’s OK, there is no life threatening emergency, you are safe to relax”, and our parasympathetic nervous system (responsible for the relaxation response) can begin to come back online.  Note that if we were running from a bear we wouldn’t have the luxury of paying attention to our breathing in this manner.  The fact that we can do so signals to the body that there is no real emergency.  

Another thing that can happen when we breathe with conscious awareness is that we take more oxygen into our bodies, which can increase blood flow to the brain.  Often people report being able to think more clearly about how to handle a stressful situation after pausing to focus on their breathing.  Third, when we stop and focus our awareness on our breath, we interrupt the “automatic pilot” mode that we often operate from, and thus we invite conscious choice rather than responding from habitual reactivity.

How To Use this Tool

To keep it simple I encourage people to begin practicing this mindful pause by just focusing on a few rounds of inhalations and exhalations (though certainly this can be extended for as long as one wants).  Even pausing for a minute or two can make a big difference when it comes to how we react to stress.

1.     With the first round of breaths, notice and acknowledge tension in the body as you scan your body from head to toe.

2.     With the second round of breaths, name what you are feeling in your body, labeling your emotions.

3.     With the third round of breaths, see if you can accept whatever you are experiencing and send some compassion and kindness to yourself.  (This third step is deceivingly simple, yet often our natural inclination is to want to get rid of our feelings and berate ourselves for feeling that way.)

Here’s a quick example of how this might look:

I am hurt or upset by something that someone said (a colleague, significant other, family member, friend) and I am just on the verge of blurting out something in response, or withdrawing in anger.  Instead, I pause for several rounds of breath.

1.     I notice my chest and throat are completely constricted and my hands are clenched.

2.     I recognize that I am feeling hurt, sad or misunderstood.

3.     I accept all of these feelings in my body as I imagine being my own caregiver and putting a loving arm around myself in an understanding way.

Having taken this momentary pause where I interrupted my habitual stress response, I am now able to think more clearly and choose how I want to respond, from a more thoughtful and less reactive place.  In the example above, perhaps I choose to communicate to the person how I am feeling hurt, not in an accusatory way, but in a way that they are able to hear and that offers an opening for a repair of the relationship.

            One last thought…it can be helpful to practice using tools in more neutral situations before you actually need them in highly stressful situations.  It’s helpful to make sure I know how to use my screwdriver before I have to use it to fix my door that is hanging on its hinge.   Make it a habit of taking a mindful pause several times throughout the day when you are not experiencing intense emotions.  It then becomes easier to use this tool in more emotionally charged situations.

©Beth Kurland 2016

Photo courtesy of pixabay.com