One unfortunate consequence of mindfulness becoming mainstream is that the term “mindfulness” has become so used that it has been at times overused and misunderstood. The cost of this is that some people hear a preachy message implying that we should all be in the moment all the time, and even experience a sense of shame for not being “in the moment.” Others believe mindfulness is only for the worried well who have all the time in the world to blissfully meditate, but that for the rest of us, working long, underpaid hours, just trying to make ends meet, mindfulness is of no use. Ruth Whippman’s provocative article, “Actually, Let’s Not Be in the Moment” (Sunday Review, New York Times, November 26th, 2016) raises some important concerns about these kinds of messages, and I think it is important that we listen carefully. Here is my attempt to respond to some misconceptions about mindfulness:
1. We do not NEED to be in the present moment all the time, but it is helpful to NOTICE where our mind is. With this awareness, we have greater choice to direct the focus of our attention where we want to put it, rather than be directed by a wandering mind on autopilot. While I don’t believe I need to force myself to focus on the “congealed SpaghettiOs” in the sink at the end of a long day as I am washing dishes (an example from Ms. Whippman’s article), mindfulness does allow me to notice where my mind is wandering to, and, with that awareness, have greater choice about where I rest my attention. While washing the dishes, if my mind is drifting to fear thoughts and catastrophizing about the future that may never be, or if my mind is stewing on a past interaction that occurred with the rude person at the grocery store, keeping me stuck in irritability, I personally would like to notice that, rather than be swept away by those thoughts. This simple awareness can help me step back into the present moment. From here, I can choose on what in this moment I want to rest my attention. Perhaps it is on the calming rhythm of my breath amidst the imperfections of my day.
2. Additionally, if I am sad, about the divisiveness in the nation, or about a family member who is ill, or upset with my in-laws who are spoiling my child, mindfulness offers me a way to be present with those feelings as well. Mindfulness IS NOT about being happy. It is about making a space for all parts of our humanness – our sadness, our grief, our fears, our joy – for it is when we can allow ourselves to feel whatever is arising, right now, without needing to push it away or suppress it, or react impulsively to it, that we honor the whole of who we are. Research has shown that the cost of suppressing emotions, and of being “hijacked” by our emotions, can take a toll on our physical and mental health. Learning to be present with what we are experiencing – pleasant, unpleasant or neutral – can help us develop the capacity to bear life’s challenges, and become more resilient. Mindfulness is not only helpful for the person whose life is going well. In fact, I have worked with many patients who have courageously used mindfulness to help them come into contact with their deepest grief and sadness, and accept their present moment emotions with openness and compassion.
3. Mindfulness does not tell us never to think about the past or future. On the contrary, these forms of mental activity are essential for us to live successful lives. The capacity to evaluate the past and plan for the future underlies many great achievements in our society. Mindfulness simply helps us notice which mental activities are beneficial to our well-being, and which are not. If I observe and recognize that I am caught up in incessant ruminations, I can notice these thoughts as mental constructions and not absolute “truths.”
4. Bringing our minds to something other than this moment can sometimes be quite beneficial, especially when done with awareness. Daydreaming, imagining, and picturing yourself on a beautiful beach, are all allowed. In fact, guided imagery, and resting one’s mind on mental images, particularly ones that evoke feelings of peace, relaxation or safety, has been used in psychological practices over the years with measurable benefit. These practices have their place, and I don’t believe mindfulness teachers are suggesting that people should stop such practices.
5. Our ability, unlike other animals, to interpret our experiences, and to create meaningful stories about our experiences ,is something that has been going on since the beginning of recorded time. I agree with Ms. Whippman that it is these stories, more than the actual experiences themselves, that play a role in determining our happiness. What mindfulness does, however, is to help us view those stories more objectively, from a place of the observer. If I am caught in “automatic pilot” mode, I might tell myself that the reason that I got laid off is that I am no good, can’t do anything right, and this just proves it. If I am being mindful and observing my thoughts, I might recognize that I am judging myself again, and this is an old story from my childhood that is really not relevant to the current circumstance. I might then feel my anxiety and upset in the present situation, but recognize that I am attaching an old narrative that doesn’t belong. This awareness can help me to get unhooked from this unhelpful story and perhaps see a larger perspective.
It is sad that mindfulness has been touted with so much zeal that some people feel, as Ms. Whippman points out, that if they are not living in the moment they are looked at as “wasting their lives” or “responsible for their own unhappiness.” Here is my take on mindfulness: If you are not living in the moment, you are human! One of the fundamental underpinnings of mindfulness is learning to practice non-judgment. It is precisely learning to NOT beat ourselves up when we find our minds wandering that mindfulness teaches, as well as recognizing that the nature of our minds IS to wander. When we recognize this, we can bring more compassion to ourselves. And who doesn’t need some self-compassion?
Mindfulness is not the solution to all life’s problems, but it does offer us a way to embrace our humanness, recognize the nature of our minds and the role our minds can play in our struggles, and hold a space for the joys and sorrows of this very human journey.
Beth Kurland, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and author of the book “The Transformative Power of Ten Minutes: An Eight Week Guide to Reducing Stress and Cultivating Well-being.” Free mindfulness meditation audios and videos can be found at www.BethKurland.com.
Photo courtesy of pixabay.com
©Beth Kurland 2017
