As human beings, we have a tendency to resist difficult or unpleasant experiences, and this resistance can unwittingly contribute to our unhappiness. There is a natural tendency to avoid what is unpleasant, to want to push it away, and to cling to what is pleasant. Sometimes we create resistance by trying to force a particular outcome and demand that it must unfold in a certain way in order for us to feel O.K., even when that outcome is not in our control. Sometimes we encounter resistance when we cling to our comfort zone and fail to venture out in ways that would challenge us but help us grow as individuals. Sometimes we experience resistance when we try to push away the feelings we are experiencing, such as our sadness, anger, hurt, or fear. We might also experience resistance when we want a situation to be different than how it is, and cannot accept our immediate reality. When we resist our experience, we often create struggle, and additional suffering for ourselves.
Take a moment to think about a recent time when you experienced struggle. Now look at that situation for a moment and notice if there was anything that you were resisting. Know that coming to a place of acceptance of what is, of no resistance, does not need to mean that you like what is happening. If I am stuck in traffic and late for an important appointment I can be upset about the situation but still accept it. I can find that place of no struggle by being with what is happening, including acknowledging my emotions of intense frustration, upset and helplessness with a kind of compassion, without letting those emotions pull me away into extreme negativity. When we can be present to what is, without resistance, we often have access to a wider range of internal resources, and inner wisdom about what might be most helpful in the moment.
Standing on my Head
Several decades ago, I was in a yoga class and had the opportunity to try a headstand for the first time. While the experience taught me something about how to do headstands, more importantly it taught me something about life. At first I was afraid to leave the safety of the wall, and hung out for a long time, trying to cling to the comfort of the wall. Then, I struggled as I pushed my feet away from the wall, trying hard to achieve and master this challenging posture. The harder I tried to will myself to do it, the more frustrated I got, and the more I lost my balance. When the yoga teacher instructed us to just be with our experience, whatever was happening, something in me shifted. I was suddenly given permission to surrender to what was happening in the moment, to not strive too hard to achieve something, to not cling to the comfort of the familiar, but to let go and allow whatever was unfolding, without it needing to look a certain way. After some further wobbling, I suddenly found myself balancing in mid air. What struck me most in this moment was not the “achievement” of doing a headstand, but the more important sensation of no struggle in my body, of being in a place of stillness and calmness, in a way that felt effortless, once I was able to let go of my own resistance.
What Mindfulness Offers Us
Mindfulness offers us a way of practicing to find that place of no resistance. Mindfulness is a skill that we can cultivate. It is a way of paying attention to what is happening right now, in this moment, without judgment and with compassion.
When sensations arise, we learn to greet them, whether they are pleasant, neutral, or unpleasant. When feelings arise, we practice welcoming and allowing them, rather than pushing them away. When thoughts come in, we can notice them, observe them, but practice not clinging to them or letting them pull us away and off balance. The idea is not to force anything, not to need our experience to be any particular way, other than what it is right now. The more we practice this, even in small doses, the more we can meet our lives right where we are and find that place of center within, that anchor that can help us remain stable amidst the storms around us.
When we come into balance, we are better equipped to face the challenges in our lives and better attuned to what might be most helpful, whether it is taking wise action, or simply bringing compassion to ourselves or those around us.
©Beth Kurland 2017
Beth Kurland is a clinical psychologist and author of the new book “The Transformative Power of Ten Minutes: An Eight Week Guide to Reducing Stress and Cultivating Well-Being.” Her website, www.BethKurland.com, offers free meditation audios and videos to reduce stress and inspire well-being.
