A mindful and values-based approach to moving through the holidays

While many people delight in holiday time, for other people the holidays aren’t all that they are cracked up to be.  In fact, the holidays can be a time of loneliness, sadness, disconnection and heightened stress for many people. There are numerous reasons for this including: financial strains that create worry around spending or an inability to buy gifts as one would like; family dynamics, especially in families of origin, where difficult patterns of interaction may play out when everyone gathers together; loss of loved ones that brings up deep sadness or grief around this time; and external and internal pressures to do too much amidst busy lives where people may already feel stretched too thin.  To compound this, many people feel that they should be happy around the holidays and if they aren’t, they feel that there is something wrong with them and that they need to get rid of these unwanted emotions.

A Short Three-Step Practice to Bring Greater Ease

I want to offer a three-step practice to move with greater ease through holiday stress and challenges. (This practice is loosely inspired by some of the concepts from Mindfulness and Acceptance-Based Behavioral Therapies). These steps can be used repeatedly throughout the day and weeks ahead.

1. Notice.

Often we plow through our days on automatic pilot.  We have so much to do and accomplish that we hardly create the space to pause and notice our emotions as they are arising.  In addition, we often avoid our own internal experiences (in this case, difficult emotions) because they are uncomfortable and it is easier to push them away.  Both the tendency to be on autopilot, and the tendency to push away our difficult emotions are part of our human condition and biological wiring. While at times this may be more or less problematic, making a conscious effort to pay attention to our feelings in a non-judgmental way allows us to respond in new ways to old habits of mind and behavior.

So the first step is simply to notice whatever you are feeling.  It can be helpful to name it using the phrase “I notice that…” For example, you might be walking through the store with holiday music blasting and people smiling and laughing and say “I notice that I am feeling a lot of sadness right now.”  Note how this is different than saying to yourself “I’m so sad.” It is a subtle shift, but adding the phrase “I notice that…” can make a difference in how we experience something. When we add the phrase “I notice that” it offers a bit of distance between ourselves and our feelings, so that we are not so caught in them.  We can recognize that sadness is there, but it is not the whole of who we are, and it is not a permanent state.

Trying to be as specific as possible can also be helpful. “I notice that I’m feeling a lot of stress in my body as I think about how I’m going to prepare this meal for 20 people next week” is more workable (more finite, offers more of an opportunity to problem solve) than just saying “I’m so stressed.” The step of “noticing” allows a bit of space in which one can gain a slight distance from what they are experiencing, while not ignoring these feelings or being swallowed up by them.

2. Bring Acceptance and Compassion.  

The second step is to see if you might bring some acceptance and compassion to whatever you are feeling or experiencing.  Importantly, acceptance does NOT mean that you have to like what is happening (for example, feeling sad or stressed doesn’t feel good), or that you agree with it (e.g., if someone is behaving in a difficult manner).  Accepting simply means that you recognize that you are having a human experience and you don’t have to judge yourself for whatever you are feeling or experiencing.  Often people think that they “should” feel happy around the holidays, and they judge themselves when they don’t feel this way.  Acceptance is allowing ourselves to feel however we feel, without a right or wrong, good or bad attached to it.

Choosing compassion means that we treat ourselves with kindness, the way we would treat someone we care about.  We recognize that this is a moment of difficulty, and we send some kindness to ourselves for whatever we are feeling. When you notice stress arising around the holidays, rather than criticizing yourself or ignoring what you are feeling, try pausing, acknowledging what you are feeling, and offering some words of kindness.

3.  Take Valued Actions.  

In this third step, we connect in with what it is that we most care about and value (in relation to the difficult experience), and we take actions that help us align our behaviors with those values.  For example, the person who is feeling sad in the store doing holiday shopping (perhaps because they are missing a loved one who is far away or who died) might recognize that they value close relationships and connections. This recognition might help them to reach out to others (even if it might be uncomfortable doing so), or to find some way to experience connection (perhaps volunteering somewhere or joining a community celebration).  Alternatively, this person might be aware that what is important to them is a chance to heal and grieve, and they may give themselves permission to feel sad and mourn the loss of their loved one by spending some time in solitude, or by finding some special way to honor their loved one’s memory.

The person who feels stressed around a difficult or rude relative might recognize that what they value is their ability to be firm and appropriately assertive, and to speak up when they feel hurt.  They might find a way to express their upset in a way that lets the other person know that what they said was inappropriate, without verbally attacking the other or lashing out in an unhelpful way.  Alternatively, they may value their ability to be compassionate, and they may recognize this as a moment to practice compassion and recognize that this relative’s comments are coming from his/her own limited upbringing and they can choose to not take this comment personally.

As another example, a person might become aware of feeling high stress and pressure around the holidays to make things “perfect” for everyone, at the expense of pushing themselves past the point of exhaustion. Recognizing that one of the things they value is learning to take better care of themselves, they might choose to let go of the extra decorations, buy more store-bought food, or ask others for help in making the holiday meal.  While this might be uncomfortable to let go of their expectations of the ideal holiday, they can choose to do so nonetheless because it aligns with this deeper value of taking care of their health.  For someone who is experiencing financial stress and anxiety about overspending, they may recognize that their deepest value is family interactions.  Holding this value in sight, they might be willing to let go of the pull to overspend (even if this is difficult) and instead channel their energy into finding ways to emphasize and create meaningful and fun family interactions during the holidays.

While using these three steps as a guide (Notice, bring Acceptance and Compassion, and Take Valued Actions) may not eliminate the difficulties you face during this holiday season, it may help to bring greater ease and meaning to this holiday time.

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Note: This blog was originally published on Psychology Today.