A values-based approach for starting the new year.
With everything going on in the world right now (as I am writing this, the pandemic continues to rage on with the explosion of the omicron variant), and with the new year just beginning, I find myself rethinking some of the traditional New Year’s goals that so many of us set around this time of year. According to the American Psychological Association, a recent survey from 2021 on stress in America shows that one in three Americans is having trouble with basic decision-making due to stress of the pandemic.
With that being said, for many people, this may not be the time for grandiose New Year goals, when sometimes just getting through the day and week may feel like an enormous challenge.
In thinking about approaching this new year, I find myself reflecting on some powerful words that Stanford health psychologist Kelly McGonigal shared (pre-pandemic) about how to help people manage uncertainty. She said that in the face of difficulty and uncertainty, rather than focusing on the question “What can I control?” (especially when there is much we can’t control), it can be even more helpful to ask “What can I choose?” When we make choices to act in ways that are consistent with who we want to be and that reflect qualities that align with our deepest values (such as kindness, compassion, and courage), this can help us find resilience even in the face of that which we can’t control. Doing so not only is beneficial for our well-being but also has a ripple effect on the well-being of those around us.
The Transformative Power of Kindness
Recently I had a very frustrating experience that turned out to be enlightening. The night before I was supposed to travel with my husband on our first vacation since the pandemic, we discovered that the airlines had canceled my flight weeks before and without notifying us, for a reason that was clearly human error on their part. We were left scrambling to figure out what to do, since my original flight was now booked. We spoke with three different representatives from the airline. The first two were very matter-of-fact and insistent about not being able to do anything for us to make things better or help rectify the situation. The third person shared the same information as the first two. However, this third person was genuinely apologetic, said that she really wished she could do something to make this better for us, and expressed care through her words and tone that transformed my experience. Even though the outcome with all three people turned out to be the same, after talking with this third person, my anger, irritation, and frustration melted away and I was able to move on and cope much better with the situation before us.
Why Kindness Matters
What I have come to know over close to three decades of observing human experience as a psychologist is that the little things — the small gestures, the kind words — matter more than one may realize. While the personal example I shared is rather minor in the grand scheme of life, I have witnessed how small kind acts and gestures have helped my patients cope with great adversity and difficulty: the small note of kindness left by a stranger that was the catalyst for helping someone come out of a severe depression, the small gesture by a neighbor to help another person cope with unbearable loss, the kindness of one friend that made the difference for another person in surviving a terrible middle-school experience, and the list goes on.
The Science of Kindness
According to Tara Cousineau, author of The Kindness Cure, some of the ways that kindness can increase our well-being include reducing symptoms of depression, anxiety, and posttraumatic stress disorder; improving body image; lessening symptoms of chronic pain; promoting longevity; increasing resilience; and strengthening relationships. Recent research supports that it is not just receiving kindness that is beneficial, but also that those who express kindness (especially random acts of kindness) experience greater well-being — especially eudaimonic well-being (increased sense of meaning). Cousineau writes that while we all have a natural instinct for kindness, this can erode under the pressures of stress. The good news is that kindness can be cultivated, practiced, and strengthened as we bring intentions to our actions and choices.
A New Year Serving Suggestion
While for many of us it may feel too daunting right now to focus on future goals, much less figure out how we are going to navigate the next weeks, one thing we might do is focus on choosing to engage in small daily actions that are consistent with our deepest values. Try this:
- Choose a quality that aligns with who you want to be and one of the values that matters to you (e.g., kindness, compassion, self-compassion, courage).
- Think about one small way you may bring that quality into your day. Perhaps it is as simple as making your partner a cup of coffee or tea, calling or sending a text to a friend who hasn’t heard from you in a while, or doing something kind for yourself such as giving yourself the gift of a nourishing meal, a short walk, or something that feels restorative. Even the warm smile toward a stranger can be felt — through mask or no mask, by the recipient.
- Acknowledge that choice you made and notice any glimmers of well-being that might arise from that. (We tend to skip this step, and these little acts often can be overlooked or glossed over). Notice any way that this choice uplifts you or another. Be curious about how it feels in your body, how your energy or mood may shift if even slightly.
- Look for little opportunities to carry this quality forward into your day and week. Remind yourself that while these gestures and acts may feel small to you, they may have more power than you realize.
As the Buddha is quoted as saying: “Drop by drop is the water pot filled. Likewise, the wise man, gathering it little by little, fills himself with good.”
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This article was originally published on Psychology Today.
