An ABC Strategy to Unhook From Unhelpful Mindstates and More

How to step out of worry thoughts, intense emotions, and unhelpful behaviors.

Whether we realize it or not, many of us get hooked—a lot. We get stuck in or swept away by strong emotions, mental thought patterns, and automatic behaviors, often without being aware this is happening. Does any of this sound familiar?:

  • You’re in a disagreement with someone and you are convinced that you are right, and they are in the wrong, period, the end. You can’t believe they are “doing this to you.” You feel a sense of righteous anger. There is no other viewpoint.
  • You are going through your day trying to focus on what is in front of you, but your mind keeps replaying some worries over and over again. You are lost in your thoughts, and it is like driving around and around a dead-end street that goes nowhere.
  • You are swept up in strong emotions (e.g., anxiety, anger, frustration, disappointment) that seem to take over and dominate your mood, kind of like feeling swept out to sea in a big storm.
  • You have been working on making healthy lifestyle choices. However, you find yourself time and again engaging in behaviors that derail this, or not being able to overcome the inertia to do the things you know are good for you.

It is common for all of us to have these kinds of experiences. Because of the nature of our minds and nervous systems, we can get triggered by perceived “threats” and our fight, flight, or freeze response can take over. When we get stuck there, without having a way to come back into balance, we can be overtaken by strong emotions, thoughts, and behavior patterns and lose our perspective and our way.

ABC for Unhooking

Below I share a three-step process for unhooking. It involves using a mindful pause to gain some distance between oneself and the arising thoughts, emotions, or behaviors; coming into the body (finding some stability there) and stepping out of the thought stream; and making a choice to go forward that is aligned with a deeper value. I came up with the acronym “ABC” so that it is extremely easy to use and call up in more challenging moments.

Here are the steps:

A – Acknowledge, Allow, Accept

B – Be in the Body, “Be,” Breathe, come back into Balance

C – Choose, “C” what is needed, Connect with what is important, focus on what you can Control

Exploring Each Step More in Depth

  1. The first step is to acknowledge, allow, and accept whatever thoughts and feelings are present. We begin by meeting ourselves where we are. We don’t have to struggle to make thoughts or emotions go away, but as we step back and notice them from a mindful view, we become less entangled with them. They loosen their grip. A felt sense of this is that there is some “space” between us and our thoughts and feelings.
  2. The second step is to stabilize by bringing attention into the body. When we bring awareness into the body and to sensations of our feet resting on the stable ground, and/or our bodies supported by the surface we are resting upon, we send some cues of safety to our nervous system. From there we can just allow ourselves to be (not needing to “do” anything) and to notice the sensation of breath as it comes in and out. Bringing awareness to the breath directs the focus of attention to something in the present moment, and this helps us to step out of mental ruminations and unhelpful narratives that we often attach to emotionally charged situations. If it is helpful, you might bring awareness to any of the five senses (what you can see, hear, touch, taste, or smell) to interrupt mental or emotional spiraling, ground yourself in the present moment, and help your nervous system come back into balance.
  3. Finally, you might take a moment to connect with something that is important to you in the moment, a deeper value that might guide you toward helpful choices going forward (see the examples below). Connecting with something you care about also helps you to step out of a stress response and see a bigger picture of what is needed. You also might focus on what you can control that moves you in a beneficial direction.

ABC in Action

Below are some examples of how you might use this strategy in different situations:

Unhooking from thoughts

Situation: You find yourself gripped by worries about a situation you can’t do anything about because it hasn’t happened or you don’t have control over circumstances (e.g., you are worried about your child who is going through a very difficult situation, or you are worried you might lose your job). You are stuck in mental ruminations.

A – Acknowledge that worry and fear are present. Accept that this is a moment of difficulty. Don’t struggle with the thoughts like a tug of war. Just notice them.

B – Bring awareness into your body, noticing the feeling of the ground underneath you. Become aware of sounds in the room, and of colors and shapes of the objects around you. Feel the sensation of your inhalation and exhalation.

C – Think about something that is important to you that you care about or that is in your control. Then decide how you might take action and refocus your attention (e.g., I can reach out to my daughter and let her know I’m here for support; I can make a budget for the week and make sure I’m not overspending).

Unhooking from emotions

Situation: You are in an argument with a family member and are extremely angry because this person didn’t follow through with something you asked them to do. You want to lash out, but, instead, you step away and use ABC.

A – Acknowledge that in this moment you are overtaken by anger. Allow yourself to notice how you are feeling and accept that this is a normal human emotion. Rate the intensity on a scale of one to 10 to become aware of how much you are feeling hooked.

B – Bring awareness into your body, into something that feels safe and stable (e.g., the ground under your feet, the rhythm of your breath, the softness of the blanket on your lap). Let the anger be, like watching a fire without throwing fuel on it. If your mind wants to pull you into stories (they never listen to me, they are so selfish…), see if you can let go of the story and come back to the feelings in your body (I feel energy surging through me; I feel my breath coming in and going out).

C – Connect with something you care about (e.g., I want to be the kind of person who can talk things out and communicate my needs effectively and calmly). Choose how you want to move forward (e.g., I will let my family member know I need some space right now to cool down, but I’d like to sit down and talk when we are both ready).

Unhooking from behaviors

Situation: You have committed to taking better care of your health, but you have a bad habit of staying up too late and eating excessive snacks.

A – Acknowledge the urge to put on another episode of your show and grab some unhealthy food. Accept that there is a strong impulse to ignore your body’s need for sleep and some cravings for sugar. Allow yourself to see and feel the habitual pulls that move you away from your goals (noticing without judging yourself).

B – Interrupt your habitual impulses by taking a moment to bring awareness into your body. Notice the urges as sensations and energy moving through your body. Ground yourself by pressing your feet into the ground and bringing awareness to the cushions you are sitting upon. Let your urges ride the rhythm of your breath, like surfing waves in the ocean. Keep coming back to the feeling of breath at the tip of your nose (or somewhere else).

C – Connect with something you care about. Remind yourself of how good you feel when you are well-rested and how much more focused you can be the next day. Choose to move toward caring for yourself and the positive consequences this will bring.

While ABC is simple, it isn’t always so easy. Like anything else, repetition and practice can be immensely helpful. Over time, ABC can help you find balance in challenging moments so that you have more choice about how you handle them.

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This article was originally published on Psychology Today.