Here are four strategies for making life transitions with greater ease.
I have been watching with fascination as the woodchuck (a familiar furry friend in my wooded backyard for several seasons now) recently had babies under the ramp of our outside shed. A few weeks ago, I discovered six adorable heads poking out, which explains why it wasn’t just the grass that was causing her to get larger and larger in recent months. As the babies started getting bigger and the space under the ramp could no longer house them, the mother relocated her family quite a distance away to the much larger space under our deck, which to me seemed like a big move for a family of seven. Following some instinct of nature and a biological blueprint, this animal knew when she had outgrown her original home and when it was time to make a change.
It isn’t always so easy for us humans. Change is an inevitable and natural part of life, and yet, for most of us, change can be difficult. And, for many of us, we may cling to the way things are and remain in situations that no longer serve us, that no longer “fit” us, even when our well-being would be best served by new circumstances, behaviors, choices, or points of view. One reason for this resistance is that our nervous systems tend to like what is familiar and predictable. Change can be perceived as “threatening,” and in the face of perceived threat, our nervous systems go into a state of protection: fight (resisting what feels unpleasant), flight (avoiding what is uncomfortable), or freezing (feeling immobilized to take steps forward).
When we can bring mindful awareness to what we are currently experiencing and listen deeply, there is an opportunity to work with our protective reflexes and take wise and skillful actions that serve our long-term well-being.
How do you know if it’s time to make a change?
Think about your current circumstances in different areas of your life (e.g., health, relationships, career, personal time).
First, ask yourself:
- What is working well for you?
- What brings joy, satisfaction, meaning, or purpose?
- What is moving you in the direction of well-being?
- What is aligned with your deepest values?
- What is nourishing, helpful, or beneficial?
Make note of these answers. Listen to the signals from your body and be mindful of physical sensations as you reflect on different areas of your life. Is there openness, ease, expansiveness, contraction, tightness, tension, constriction, something else?
Next, ask yourself:
- Are there things that you have outgrown, that no longer fit, or that aren’t working for you (e.g., an old habit, an unhealthy or draining relationship, a job where you feel you are languishing versus flourishing, a behavior not serving you, such as going to bed too late or drinking too much)?
- What brings unease, feels stifling, or causes constriction in your body? Listen again to your bodily signals as you reflect on the various areas of your life.
- What moves you away from well-being in your life?
- What behaviors or situations are no longer aligned with your current values?
Now, if you have identified something that is not working so well, ask: Is this in my sphere of influence to change? If so, what is in my sphere of influence? For example, there are some situations we may not be able to change (such as someone else’s behaviors or an injury), and some situations we may be able to influence certain aspects of but not others (e.g., I may financially need to work to support myself, but what I do for work is under my influence; I may not be able to change an injury, but I can choose how much rest and care I give myself to allow it to heal). Be clear about what falls in your sphere of influence.
How to make changes with greater ease
Once you recognize something that would be helpful to change:
- Accept that fear might be your initial human response and that change might be scary. You don’t have to get rid of fear or wait for it to go away in order to move forward. Instead of trying to get rid of it, you can focus on what you can add to the equation (see step two).
- Think about what inner quality might support you as you take steps forward. What inner quality, if it was more present alongside fear, might be helpful? For example, courage, acceptance, perspective, patience, tenacity, or self-compassion might sit alongside fear and feel supportive. Now, think about a time in your life when you experienced this inner quality (even if it was long ago or a small moment). Or, if that is difficult, think about someone who embodies this quality and imagine yourself in their shoes. Can you call up a felt sense of this quality in your body right now and imagine it putting an arm around fear, resistance, or other difficult emotions as if saying, “I’m here; we’ve got this.”
- Consider the many ways that change could look. For example, if a relationship isn’t working, change might take the form of choosing to express your needs more clearly to your partner, seeking outside help (such as trying couples therapy to find ways of repairing and moving forward), or ending the relationship. If you are unhappy in a job, a change could involve speaking up and advocating for yourself, shifting your role or position within a company, changing your outlook and focusing on the ways you can find greater meaning in your day-to-day routine, or looking for an entirely new job. Brainstorm and see how many different options you can come up with. Take time to reflect on what makes the most sense for you.
- To take steps forward, choose an initial step that feels small enough and safe enough for your nervous system. For example, if you want to make a lifestyle change, such as getting more movement in your day and shifting away from being sedentary, perhaps you commit to a five-minute walk around the block. If you want to make a career change, perhaps you can gather more information on the internet or make a list of what is most important to you. Feeling daunted and overwhelmed can throw us into freeze mode. Taking very small steps forward can help us gather the necessary momentum. Additionally, connect with others and ask for help wherever possible so that you don’t feel alone! Reaching out to others for help, advice, a listening ear, a sounding board, or an accountability partner can offer a big cue of safety for the nervous system and help propel you forward.
As I’m sitting here now, one of the six little guys (a baby woodchuck no longer so small) is off on his own, grazing at the far edges of my yard, venturing out from the nest to forage for food in the summer sun. He is a reminder of the natural growth that is inherent within all of us and the inner wisdom that can guide us forward to new places when we listen deeply and allow change to unfold.
