Change is difficult for most of us. I envy the person who can leap into change with hardly a fear or trepidation; the adventure seeker who can jump on a plane and spend months away from home exploring parts unknown; the person who can make a big transition with total excitement. That is certainly not me, and I don’t think that it is how most of us operate. For most people, changes and transitions in life bring some sense of fear, anxiety, hesitation or resistance. This can often be true whether it is a change that one is looking forward to (starting a new job, leaving home to go to college, getting married, becoming a parent, retiring) or a change that is inevitable but perhaps not desirable (having to move due to financial circumstances, aging, dealing with illness or the death of a loved one).
During various transitions in my life, including the one I am now going through (preparing for my youngest child to leave for college), I feel like there are moments when it is as if I am stuck in a revolving door. It feels like I have inhabited this wonderful building that I have made my home, have experienced fully what each room has to offer, have felt safe and comfortable in the familiarity of this space, and am now being asked to walk through the revolving door to parts unknown. The revolving door is made of glass, so I can see through just a bit, but I don’t really know what awaits once I step outside and beyond. I don’t know what my new “home” will look and feel like. That is scary to me because I like familiarity and predictability; so I find myself at times stuck in the revolving door, wanting to go around and around, again and again, so I don’t have to step outside. The problem is that it can get kind of boring hovering at the door. It takes some courage to thrust myself outside, but once I do I know that the reward is personal growth and the bolstering of inner resources and strengths that cannot occur otherwise. Often there are other joys and rewards as well that come with change.
Strategies for Dealing With Transitions and Change
So what can we do to help step through this revolving door with greater ease?
1. If it is a change that is inevitable, the truth is that it is going to happen whether we like it or not, so we can fight the current or follow the flow of water. One practice we can cultivate in this case is that of acceptance with compassion, as opposed to resistance. A simple way you can experience this is to step outside on a freezing cold day. If you are like most people, you will likely contract your whole body, tense all of your muscles, bury your head, and proceed with a kind of resistance as you “fight the elements”. However, try instead (or imagine) walking out into the cold, crisp air with your head high and your body consciously relaxed, breathing slowly and taking in the cold air and processing the feel of it against your skin. It is a very different experience to approach something without resistance; to accept what is here with a feeling of openness. That does not mean that you always find the experience enjoyable, but it allows for you to move through the experience with more ease. If in addition, you call up and send yourself a feeling of compassion and caring as you walk through that revolving door, the way you would send caring sentiments to a friend going through a transition that they are nervous about, this helps to foster a feeling of acceptance. Take a moment to imagine what it might feel like in your body and mind to shift from a stance of resistance to that of greater acceptance. It can be as simple as a change in posture, some conscious breaths, or kind thoughts to oneself.
2. Another helpful thing we can do when faced with change is to seek out healthy role models who have been through this change and may have wisdom to offer. For me, observing and talking with friends whose children have left for college, and learning from their experiences, is supportive to me. When I experience fears about the inevitability of aging, I look to my father who is a wonderful role model for me. He is active, vibrant, and healthy at 82 – fully enjoying his life with friends, family, intellectual pursuits, writing, volunteer work, exercise, etc. This makes a big difference for me as I contemplate aging. I also recently came across some writing of Christiane Northrup about her experience of aging which I found very empowering and uplifting. Think about who you might surround yourself with (in person, by phone, in the wisdom of their writing) that might offer you some support and guidance as you face an important transition.
3. Another thing that can be helpful when we are hovering at that revolving door is to notice and shift our perspective, to see things from a wider angle. Often change brings about feelings of loss and fear. While it is important to find a way to honor all of our feelings, it can also be helpful to ask ourselves if we can reframe things to notice multiple angles and viewpoints. As I go through various transitions in my life, I find that writing (through poetry, journal writing) offers me a way to honor my feelings. For other people, honoring their feelings may involve simply making space to feel and acknowledge their feelings, or verbalizing them to a trusted friend. While honoring my feelings is important, broadening my perspective has been immensely helpful as well. For example, while there is some feeling of loss as my children become adults and leave the home, there is also a space for us to develop a deeper relationship on an adult level, for me to enjoy seeing them evolve into independent thinkers, and for me to see my own role modeling as an opportunity to continue my parenting in a different but important way. While I feel some fear about not having my life so neatly laid out in the coming years as I have in the past years, I can see an opportunity in embracing the uncertainty, and the freedom and adventure that comes with not having everything planned out and not knowing how everything will look. There is an opportunity to let things unfold and follow my heart’s desire in a more intuitive way. See what you notice when you step back and look at the big picture of the change that you are going through. You may become aware of something that you have not noticed before.
4. One other thing that can help bring ease to life transitions is to know that you are not alone. A way of experiencing this is to close your eyes and imagine all of the people in your town, state, or in the world who are going through a similar change. Imagine how they feel, and what it feels like to be surrounded by others who understand what you are going through. Finding close friends or family to share how you are feeling, and who will simply listen and support you, can be immensely helpful. Also, finding support groups or in some cases online support through various organizations can help one not feel so alone.
As we face change, it is natural for us to want to hold on tightly to what is familiar and known. I have a quote hanging near my bed which reads: “If you hold on to the handle, she said, it’s easier to maintain the illusion of control. But it’s more fun if you just let the wind carry you.” (Brian Andreas) I try to remind myself of this often. As I approach this next revolving door I recognize that my ability to grow as a person and to experience the fullness of what life has to offer depends on my walking through that revolving door and stepping outside. Perhaps I will meet you there on the other side.
©Beth Kurland 2016Photo courtesy of pixabay.com
