What to do when we’re face-to-face with difficult emotions.

Last summer, I had a most interesting standoff with a fox. I had seen some creature lurking in the far corners of our yard by the woods on occasion and had some minor fears about whether we might ever have a more up-close meeting, but I mostly put such fears aside. Every day, when I went out to my favorite fenced-in spot in the yard to meditate, I made sure to pull the gate closed to keep out any unwanted creatures and ensure a safe and peaceful meditation.

On this particular evening, at dusk, I was several minutes into my meditation and opened my eyes partway to take in the beauty of the plants and shrubs surrounding me, when I was faced with a most unexpected visitor. There, about 12 feet from where I sat, was the fox. My heart started racing and I immediately leapt up and onto the high outdoor console that thankfully was right beside me and provided some sense of safety. For the next 10 minutes or so, as my fear subsided, I stood there watching, with a mixture of curiosity and wonder. What I found most interesting was that this creature that I so feared was, when seen up close, both beautiful and quite vulnerable. Far from wanting to eat me alive, as my imagination might have led me to believe, all it wanted to do was find its way out of the fenced-in area and back into the woods (which it eventually did).

The Fox as a Metaphor for Working With Difficult Emotions

While I am not suggesting arranging a face-to-face meeting with a fox, the story of my encounter provides a useful metaphor for our tendency to avoid facing and experiencing our own difficult feelings and what happens when we finally do. Often we do everything we can to avoid sitting with our difficult emotions (e.g., fear, sadness, grief, anger) and we either suppress and push these feelings away through distractions, busyness, or addictive behaviors, or we wall them off completely. Alternatively, sometimes we react impulsively to our emotions and get swallowed up in them without the mindful awareness to step back and observe what we are actually experiencing.

Imagine someone being angry at their partner. If they took a few moments to be present with their anger (instead of exploding or pushing it away), they might discover that underneath the anger is a hurt and vulnerable part of them wanting to be heard. In this discovery is a space to choose more mindfully how to respond. Perhaps the coworker who pushes your buttons really is triggering an old jealousy of you and your siblings vying for your father’s attention. If you are aware of this, you might be able to choose reactions more proportionate to the current situation (rather than reacting based on past triggers). The sadness that you are pushing down may, when acknowledged and allowed to be felt, free up energy to seek support and find the courage to move forward and even see new possibilities.

When we can make the space to be with our feelings and hold them in a spacious, mindful awareness, we have more choice about how we react. I have found time and again with myself and my patients, as I write about in my forthcoming book, that as we learn to meet and greet our inner experiences and turn toward them with curiosity and compassion instead of fighting against them or ignoring them, that ease, healing, and new possibilities emerge.

Often, when I sit with my own fears and sadness, rather than these emotions swallowing me up as I might initially anticipate, what I discover is some part of myself in need of attention. Once I attend to what is there, something in me relaxes, and the intensity of what I am feeling often dissipates. Instead of trying to change myself or how I feel, when I accept what is here, things begin to change on their own.

So, how do we create the space to be face-to-face with these unpleasant emotional visitors we experience on a daily basis, rather than pushing them away or metaphorically shutting the gate to them?

Here are a few suggestions to get started:

1. Become aware of what you are feeling. When you start to feel emotions arising within, take a few slow breaths, making your exhalation slightly longer than your inhalation. This helps to calm the nervous system. Name to yourself what you are feeling. Be as specific as you can (instead of just mad, are you perhaps irritated, hurt, jealous, disappointed, etc?). See if you can meet yourself right where you are, rather than trying to change how you are feeling.

2. If your feelings are not too intense, imagine that you are inviting your emotions to come have a seat somewhere in the room. See if you can turn toward and approach what you are feeling with an open curiosity. See if you might sit with whatever emotions are present with a welcoming posture of caring attention, the way you might sit with a house guest.

3. Take a moment to listen, the way you would listen to a good friend. What would your emotions say if they could talk? How do they want you to be with them? What do they need?

4. Send some compassion to yourself as you allow yourself to be present to these emotions. How might you respond to yourself in a caring way (e.g., perhaps by saying “This is difficult” or acknowledging that this is triggering an old wound).

5. When we bring mindful attention to what we are feeling, we can also become curious if the emotions that are arising are specifically about a current situation or also have to do with emotions getting triggered from a past event that reminds us of the current one. When we can differentiate this, it can make it easier to proceed skillfully and keep our reactions proportionate to the current situation. (Note: It is not uncommon to react to present-day situations based on situations that happened in our pasts, even going back to childhood.)

6. Consider how you might want to respond. As you do this, try to bring yourself into the present moment and deal with what is actually happening right now (as opposed to letting emotions from past situations or future imagined ones inform your current decisions).

7. Practice with emotions that are of mild-to-moderate intensity. Be aware that with more intense emotions that may be too overwhelming, it might be important to seek the help of a therapist.

When we allow ourselves to turn toward our emotions, rather than run from them, we may discover that these unwanted visitors are really not as frightening to sit with as we thought, and may even bring some unexpected gifts.

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This article was originally published on Psychology Today.