Why we’re not mindful much of the time, and what to do about it.

I was having a very ordinary moment washing my hands in the bathroom of my sister-in-law’s house when I noticed a small sign she had by the sink saying “Wash hands mindfully.” This little reminder got me to bring awareness to the moment, take a few deeper breaths, feel the warmth of the water on my fingers, and listen to the sounds, like a small waterfall cascade. This mini moment of presence was surprisingly delightful. In another ordinary moment, I was sitting at a wedding in a moment of pause. My neighbor pointed out to me an elderly gentleman well into his 90s who was standing in the hallway, waiting patiently and lovingly for his wife to come out of the bathroom, so he could walk with her back to their table. It was a tender moment of connection and care that could have been easily missed.

So often, we do miss these moments. Our minds are busy, active, constantly thinking and trying to solve problems—even when there is nothing to be solved (for example, those pesky worries that I can do nothing about, and that I ruminate about nonetheless). And when we’re not thinking about the past or future, we often go into automatic pilot mode, a kind of not really present, in-between state of being and doing.

In a fascinating article, Steve Ayan summarizes the “predictive mind” model which explains the automatic processes that we experience on a daily basis as we move through our lives. According to this theory, and as explained by Ayan, our brains evolved to predict events quickly, accurately, and often unconsciously. This makes sense that some amount of automaticity is necessary to move through our day. (Imagine the effort it took at first to learn how to drive a car, or ride a bike, and the energy and focus needed. Over time, these processes no longer require conscious effort, which frees up our energy and makes things more efficient.) As part of this predictive mind model, the brain acts as a kind of pattern detection system, and when it detects something out of the ordinary or unexpected, it alerts into a more conscious state (think deer running in front of the car). But when things are operating business as usual (think predictable, ordinary, expected), it is easy—and makes sense for our survival and the conservation of the body’s energy—to slip into an unconscious, automatic pilot mode.

While this may have its necessary benefits, the downside is that we can go through our lives in this “going through the motions” fashion and miss so much.

An Antidote

But mindfulness offers us an opportunity to pay attention to the ordinary, the expected, even the mundane—in a new way, by bringing our awareness to these things intentionally. With mindfulness, we pay attention on purpose, with caring attention. You might think of it like this: Mindfulness allows us to switch on our paying attention pathways even when they aren’t really required. And when we do this, there is more richness, aliveness, beauty, a sense of connection and interconnection available, and even at times experiences of transcendence in our lives.

How to Step Out of Autopilot and Find Presence

1. Finding presence in the mundane. Pick an ordinary activity you do on a regular basis. (I decided to choose going to my mailbox to get the mail. You might choose taking a shower, washing your hands, walking to your car, etc.) Make a point of making this an intentional, conscious activity where you bring as much awareness as possible to what you are doing, engaging as many of your senses as possible. It turns out there are some incredible sights and sounds of nature on my way to the mailbox that I usually miss.
2. Finding presence in stillness/waiting. The next time you are at a traffic light or stuck in a long line, make a point of becoming conscious, of stepping out of your thought stream and taking in the sights and sounds around you with caring attention. You might pay attention to the people around you, their expressions, their energy, their behaviors—sensing the interconnection of all of us. The other day in the grocery store, I noticed the wary mom behind me, trying to calm her toddler who had lost his toy and his patience. I remembered those days myself that now seem like a lifetime away, and I felt a moment of compassion. This interrupted my own irritable state of mind, and shifted my mood and my perspective.
3. Finding presence in busyness. The next time you are feeling caught up in stress and busyness, take a moment to be mindful. Notice how busyness feels in your body. Is it tight, contracted, tense? Notice that you can walk at a fast pace and feel harried, or you can walk at a fast pace and feel energized. The difference between these lies in where you are resting your attention, your thoughts, and your awareness. When you bring greater awareness to what you are doing, might you also connect with a sense of purpose, meaning, or simply presence? I often find myself multi-tasking (for example, eating lunch while doing emails). When I remember to pause, become present, and truly taste my food and feel gratitude for the people who grew it, it is a startlingly different experience.
4. Finding presence in interaction. When we talk with others, instead of truly listening and being fully present, many of us tend to think about what we want to say next, or we get caught up in our own thought stream. The next time you are having a conversation, experiment with doing more listening than talking. Don’t just listen with your ears, but with your eyes (noticing the other person’s facial expressions, body language), and with your heart (sensing the energy and connection between you; sensing what the other person might need; sensing how your presence and full attention is received by the other). Notice what is possible from this interconnected space.
5. Finding presence in the senses. Pick one sense (taste, touch, sight, smell, or hearing). Make a point of engaging your full awareness for a full minute toward whatever sense you choose. Make a point of noticing things you would not ordinarily notice. As I’m writing this, I’m noticing the lavender and pink flowers sitting right in front of me on the counter, filled with vibrant color and beauty, that I had honestly missed the other 10 times I was in the kitchen today. I am filled with awe and appreciation that could have easily been lost.

While we are wired to spend much of our days in automatic processing and on autopilot, we have this wonderful human ability to cultivate mindful awareness and to pay attention even when it isn’t necessary for us to do so. The gift of this is presence—awakening to the precious moments of our lives.