Category: Acceptance

How to Handle Life’s Unexpected Curveballs

On October 16, 2026

In Acceptance, Mindfulness, Psychotherapy, Self Help, Well-Being

Mind-body strategies for calming the stress alarm.

We got a deluge of rain in this recent Nor’easter here in Massachusetts. In my haste to prepare for possible large wind gusts, I pulled the umbrella out of our glass table on the concrete deck in our backyard, as I often do…except this time, as I pulled it out, I was startled when the glass instantly shattered into literally thousands of pieces. What was once a large table that seated eight was now a pile of shards scattered far and wide. Here I was with dangerous glass all over, a torrential tropical storm coming any moment to carry the glass far and wide, and a packed day of patients.

I’ll be the first to admit I don’t always handle these unexpected curveballs as well as I’d like, though over time I’ve discovered some things that help.

While stress can often feel like one single overwhelming experience, one of the things I’ve found helpful over the years is to understand our stress response as having four interconnected responses: what’s happening in the body and what’s happening with our emotions, our thoughts, and our behaviors. Each influences the others, and each can be met with specific strategies to help dial down the brain’s alarm system.

Understanding Our Stress Response

First, it can be helpful to understand that our nervous system and brain are always working together below the surface of our awareness to assess for threat and safety. It’s a kind of threat detection system similar to the smoke alarms in our homes, and it works on a better-safe-than-sorry method. If a threat is detected, the alarm sounds automatically. It doesn’t matter whether it is a true life-threatening fire or just the toast burning in the toaster; the alarm doesn’t differentiate. Our brains respond similarly to “threats”—whether saber-tooth tigers or traffic jams or arguments or getting up to speak in front of a large audience. This makes sense from an evolutionary perspective to have an alarm that sounds quickly and indiscriminately. If it looks like a saber-tooth tiger, better fight or flee; don’t stick around to ponder if perhaps it’s just something else rustling in the grass.

The brain and autonomic nervous system are constantly trying to determine what resources are needed in any given moment to meet the current situation at hand. When threats or dangers are detected, the protection circuits of our sympathetic nervous system (designed to fight or flee) are activated. We get a jolt of energy to mobilize, or our system goes into shutdown if things feel too overwhelming (with the help of the dorsal branch of our vagus nerve). Alternatively, if safety is detected, resources can be allocated toward biological rest, growth, and recovery through the ventral vagal pathways of our parasympathetic nervous system. We feel calm, connected, and balanced.

So going back to the shattered table scenario, this mishap is immediately read as a threat, and my stress response becomes activated:

Physically, my heart starts pumping faster to get blood to my fighting muscles. Stress chemicals are released into my bloodstream to help me prepare to fight or flee.

Emotionally, I feel a shift from my nice, peaceful mood of enjoying the afternoon to frustration, anger, worry (how will I possibly clean all this up before the storm?), and overwhelm (I have meetings and patients and don’t have time to work and attend to this mess).

Mentally, my mind starts creating a narrative about what just happened, and it also starts projecting a narrative of what is to come (if only I hadn’t done this, I’m so stupid for being careless, I won’t be able to clean this all up and then people will get hurt…).

Behaviorally, I am making choices about how I react in the next moments (do I yell and swear, curl up in a ball, spring into action?).

My stress response can at times give me a helpful jolt of energy to mobilize, but if I am overtaken by stress, I lose access to all the inner resources that are available when my nervous system is in balance (e.g., perspective taking, problem-solving, clarity, self-compassion, creativity, curiosity, patience, etc.). The stress I’m feeling is understandable, but if the alarm continues to blast, I’m not able to respond most effectively.

Calming the Alarm and Bringing Balance Back Into the Nervous System

One way to think about responding to our built-in threat detection system is to intentionally introduce cues of safety to help calm the alarm. First, we notice that the alarm is sounding. Then, we choose strategies to soothe each of these four areas: our body, our emotions, our mental activity, and our behaviors.

Here are some examples of strategies to address each of these four dimensions of the stress response:

Calming the body: Take long, slow exhalations; feel your feet on the ground and notice your senses (what you can see, hear, touch, taste, or smell); take deep, long sighs; cross your arms across your chest and tap back and forth on each shoulder like a butterfly tapping its wings.

Tending to emotions: Mindfully notice and name what emotions are present; tell yourself “all my emotions are welcome here” and make space for them to be rather than try to push them away; put a hand on your heart and imagine sending care to any parts of you that are struggling; call to mind supportive people (or spiritual figures, pets, or even favorite places in nature) and let yourself feel immersed in their caring energy.

Loosening the grip of thoughts: Speak to yourself in the third person to get some distance (“I can see Beth is having a hard time right now, thinking she can’t handle this”); notice any charged thoughts you are having and add the phrase “I notice I’m having the thought that…” (e.g., instead of “I’m so stupid for being careless,” say to yourself, “I notice I’m having the thought that I’m so stupid for being careless). This helps to create a bit of space between you and your thoughts, to loosen their grip.

Choosing behaviors skillfully: Connect with your deepest values. Ask questions such as “What is most important to me about how I respond?” “How do I want to show up for others and myself?” “What inner qualities do I most want to harness right now?” “How can I take care of myself going into the next moments of the day?” “What would my wisest self do right now?”

We can learn, practice, and rehearse these strategies during calmer times so that when the curveballs come at us, we are familiar with what to do. As I look at the now empty table frame where the glass once was, I am reminded of how suddenly stressful situations can descend upon us, and how each becomes an opportunity to build resilience as we learn to quiet the alarm. And there’s always next year for that new table.

Originally published on P sychology Today.

3 Ways to Worry Less

By Beth Kurland

On March 17, 2026

In Acceptance, Mindfulness, Resilience

Mind-body strategies for stepping out of the worry loop and into ease.

Lately, I’ve found myself in these impossible situations. Here’s how it typically plays out: there’s some kind of uncertain situation that doesn’t have an immediate resolution (e.g., feeling anxious about how something in the future may unfold that I have no control over). My mind immediately goes into problem-solving mode — trying to think and think and think about the situation as if to find a way out, to find a resolution. Enter my good friend, worry.

As much as my problem-solving mind serves me very well in many circumstances, when it comes to uncertainty about the future, other people’s choices that I can’t do anything about, things that haven’t happened yet, and situations I can’t influence, that same thinking mind tends to get me in trouble. It can turn my thoughts into worry, rumination, and obsessive thinking. I know I’m not alone.

It’s like driving around and around a dead-end street, thinking maybe this time I’ll find a way out. Or like I’m trying to use a hammer from my toolbox to unscrew a screw. It’s the wrong tool in that situation, yet I keep picking up the hammer because it’s my go-to strategy that is so habitual.

In the face of life’s uncertainties and things we can’t control, where can we turn if not to our problem-solving mind? How can we interrupt the worry loop when habitual thinking only gets us more stuck?

Science, psychology and the wisdom traditions offer us some guidance.

1. Practice cultivating a wise heart.

Expansive, heartfelt qualities such as compassion, self-compassion, acceptance, and equanimity can step us out of our looping mental chatter, decrease stress, increase well-being and help quiet the worrying mind. They are a helpful antidote for the obsessive, thinking mind.

In my clinical and personal experience, these heartfelt qualities offer a kind of alchemy when they touch more painful parts of our human experience. When I can bring acceptance to what I am feeling in my body (e.g., this tension, this clenching) and self-compassion to my emotions (e.g., anxiety), this helps make space for greater ease.

Try this: The next time you find yourself in a worry loop, pause and place a hand on your heart. Instead of going into thinking mode, go into feeling mode. Acknowledge how you’re feeling, that this is a moment of difficulty, and say to yourself, “I see and accept all my feelings just as they are.” (Acceptance doesn’t mean you like what’s there, just that you allow it space to be.) Then sense a feeling of care surrounding you. You might imagine the caring presence from a friend or family member, a spiritual leader or being, or a sense of being held in a beautiful place in nature. Let this feeling of care sit side-by-side any difficult emotions, sinking in deeply into the body and heart.

2. Get some psychological distance from the worry part of you so you are no longer overtaken by it.

When we are gripped by worry, we can get lost in our thoughts. The field of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy offers tools to unhook from our thoughts so we are no longer caught in and “fused” with them. When we can get a bit of space, this helps loosen the grip they have over us.

Try this (part one):

First, say “I’m so worried, I’m so worried” and notice how this feels in your body. (For me, I notice tightness and constriction when I say these words). Then shift your words to: “I notice that a part of me is feeling very worried in this moment.” What do you notice when you change these words slightly? (When I do this, it feels like I’ve taken a half step back and can observe that there is a part of me feeling worried that is not the whole of me).

Internal Family Systems Therapy offers us further guidance. It is an evidence-based therapy that posits that our mind is made up of sub-personalities (e.g., this worry part of me might be one such sub-personality), and that there is a core “Self” that is by nature compassionate and wise and ultimately can be an inner leader that offers healing to our hurting parts. While this form of therapy can be quite helpful (and takes time), here is a quick “dip your toe in” experience to try:

Try this (part two):

Once you’ve named this worry part (as in the step above), you might be playful and curious and notice what shape, form, color, size, and/or age that it is. You might imagine it sitting across from you. What can you observe about it? If it could talk, what might it say? What does it need or want? How might it be trying its best to protect you? How might it want you to be with it? Reflecting on these questions can help to further provide some psychological distance between you and this worry part, to unhook from its tight grip.

3. Practice mindfulness and other mind-body strategies to activate different parts of your brain and nervous system.

Soothing your brain:

When we are stuck in worry, we tend to activate a part of our brain called the default mode network. This part of our brain is involved in thinking about the past, the future and self-referential thinking. When we engage in mindfulness meditation, activity in the default mode network region of the brain is reduced. Practicing mindfulness meditation is one way to strengthen pathways in the brain that can help us reduce worry looping.

Try this: Engage in mindfulness meditation. Set aside five or 10 minutes to practice observing thoughts as they arise. Instead of getting pulled into habitual thinking about thoughts, when you notice a thought arising just label it as “thinking” or “worrying” or “planning”. The thoughts will try to pull you in, but see if you can come back to just observing and labelling.

Notice the difference between being caught in a thought and observing a thought. For example, a thought might come up, “What if I give this talk and it’s not well received?” If you get pulled into the thought, it might go down a familiar rabbit hole (“Maybe I’ll make a fool of myself, maybe people will think I’m not smart, what if it really goes badly and then I’m let go at work and then how will I pay my bills?…”). Instead, you might practice noticing this thought, labeling it as “worrying”, and watching it go the way you would watch clouds pass in the sky.

Soothing your nervous system:

Besides learning to activate different parts of our brain to counteract worry, we can also learn to activate different parts of our nervous system. Worry can activate the branch of our nervous system called the “sympathetic nervous system”, involved in the fight-or-flight response. Learning mind-body practices to elicit the “relaxation response” (that activate the ventral vagal pathways of our parasympathetic nervous system) can act as a kind of antidote to this.

Try this: Choose a word or phrase that is soothing for you (for example, “calm” or “peaceful” or “safe in this moment”). Let that become the focus of your attention as you repeat that word as a kind of mantra. When your mind wanders (as it will), gently redirect it again and again to your chosen word or phrase. You might also pair this with slow exhalations, focusing on softening and releasing tension as your breath out.

The next time you’re faced with worry, instead of trying to think your way out of it, try one of these strategies. While not a magic pill, over time you might just loosen its grip a bit and discover a more effective way to cope.

Originally published on Psychology Today.

To Reach Your Goals, Try Shifting This One Word

By Beth Kurland

On January 28, 2025

In Acceptance, Goals, Self Help

“But” versus “and.”

Perhaps you haven’t thought much about these words and their impact.

I hadn’t either until I became more curious about the power of words and how they can affect what’s happening in our body, our emotions, and even our behaviors.

Consider this…

“I want to start that new project, but I’m afraid to take the leap.”

“I want to go to the gym, but I don’t really feel like it today.”

“I want to change this habit, but it feels too difficult.”

Period, the end. Do you sense the hard stop of the word “but”?
Continue Reading on Psychology Today