Five steps for gaining perspective when stress gets the better of you.

Several months ago I watched captivated as the Artemis II capsule catapulted through the Earth’s atmosphere at 25,000 miles per hour, was enveloped by temperatures of 10,000 degrees Celsius, and splashed down into the Pacific Ocean, bringing its four astronauts safely home after traveling farther from Earth than any human has done. Nothing like a little space travel to put things into perspective.

On my morning walk the next day, I was greeted by both the rising sun and the crescent moon, and I thought about the magnificent photos of the moon and Earth taken from outer space on this latest space excursion. I am, after all, just a speck in a cosmic universe.

That shift of perspective is so counter to what I, and most of us humans, experience much of the time. This is especially so when in the grips of stress. It is what I call the “small self-view.” Opposite to seeing the big picture and putting things in a wider frame, we see things from the perspective of me, myself, and I. This can be especially unhelpful and present obstacles when it comes to relationships. When caught in the small self-view in the midst of stress or interpersonal conflict, this narrow focus and tunnel vision can limit our thinking and behavioral repertoire in ways that can often make it hard to see the other’s perspective.

In the grips of stress (when our nervous system perceives “threat” of some kind), it makes sense that our body mobilizes into this survival state. If I’m running from a tiger, I don’t have the luxury of taking in the surroundings, the periphery, the expansive sky, or the flowers growing in the far-off field. My body, flooded with stress chemicals, wants to do one thing, and that is to survive by fighting or escaping. Those Stone Age ancestors who stopped to ponder a bigger picture or notice the flowers likely didn’t live long enough to pass their genes on to us.

How to Know if You’re in Small Self-View

Some signs of small self-view include body constriction, tightening, tense muscles, shallow breathing, narrow focus of attention, feeling defensive in an interaction (like you need to protect yourself), tunnel vision, and inability to see a bigger picture.

This is not “bad.” Sometimes this state can be necessary and adaptive (especially if there is a true threat of some kind). But much of the time we can benefit from a more expansive vantage point.

Enter the “Ocean View”

Imagine looking out at the ocean. From the perspective of the wave, it may think of itself as a single, isolated wave; but you, the onlooker, can see that that wave is connected to and part of the vast ocean. The wave is just a small part of something much more expansive and interconnected.

When we can take the Ocean View, this offers us a great deal more cognitive and behavioral flexibility (we can see things from the widest perspective and make choices that may not otherwise feel accessible when locked in a narrow mindset).

The Ocean View, which I write about in my book You Don’t Have to Change to Change Everything, is not just a shift in perspective but, importantly, a shift in physiology. When our nervous system is in a state of greater regulation and balance, the sympathetic branch of our nervous system works in harmony with the parasympathetic branch (mediated by the ventral branch of our vagus nerve). There is a natural shift in perspective when this occurs. From a nervous system grounded in safety, our stress response dials down, and we have access to a bigger picture. The world looks different. There is more possibility for connection and seeing other points of view.

Think about being really angry at someone and believing it’s your way or the highway. Then, when you cool down, you realize there are other ways of looking at the situation and maybe things aren’t as all-or-nothing as you thought.

Stepping Out of Small Self-View Into the Ocean View

1. Think about some typical moments when you get caught in small self-view. Perhaps it’s when yelling at your teenager to do something you’ve asked them to do 10 times already, or in an argument with your partner, or at work when that particular coworker pushes your buttons, or when you just have way too much to do and are running around in a state of frenzy.

2. Notice what small self-view feels like. Bring awareness to your body. Do you feel tight, constricted, tense? Is your breathing shallow? What thoughts are going through your mind? Are those thoughts exaggerated, extreme, distorted, or self-focused? What emotions are present? Can you just name what is there (anger, frustration, anxiety, irritation, or something else) without judgment? Noticing and naming in this way can help dial down our inner alarm system.

3. Take a minute to do something to help calm and regulate your nervous system. See what it might need. If you are very tense and agitated, sometimes lightly shaking the body can help (e.g., lightly bouncing on your heels as you gently shake your legs, arms, hands, and shoulders to release tension).

For many people, regulating one’s breathing is a very effective way to activate the vagus nerve and parasympathetic branch of the nervous system. In particular, gentle inhalations through your nose and long, slow exhalations (try exhaling through your mouth) can be helpful.

Other forms of nervous system regulation might include pausing to bring awareness to your five senses and naming five objects you see, four things you can hear, and three things you can touch, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. Or, you might go to a nearby window and shift your visual field so you are gazing out at the horizon or the farthest things that you can see. These can have a calming effect on your nervous system.

As another strategy to try, directing visual attention to green elements in nature (such as looking at a tree) has been shown to reduce anxiety and increase well-being.

4. Once you notice a shift in your nervous system and begin to feel more settled, grounded, aware, calmer, etc., imagine taking a helicopter view of the situation you are in. From this vantage point, what can you notice that you might not have noticed before?

Using the examples from question one above, perhaps you notice that your teenager is sad and moody because things aren’t going well for them socially, and their shutting you out is a byproduct of their nervous system shutting down to protect themselves. Or you see that your partner may not have done this thing to intentionally upset you, or you wonder if your coworker might be dealing with some personal challenge outside of work that is causing a lot of inner suffering for them. If you have been running around in a frenzy and are on a short fuse, maybe you can see more clearly from this helicopter view what the biggest priorities are and what you might be able to let go for today.

5. Consider how you want to move forward into the next moments of your day. Ask yourself what you could choose that would align with who you want to be and what values are important to you. Taking a values-based perspective helps to further activate parts of the brain that turn down stress and lower cortisol levels in the body. In the example of the parent and teenager, focusing on being a parent who fosters and models healthy communication might just help shift the way you approach your teen to create a more win-win situation, both short-term and long-term.

As human beings who experience stress, we commonly fall into small self-view time and again. Learning to take an Ocean View not only helps expand our perspective; it may also enrich our relationships and help us feel more connected and interconnected to the people around us and to this vast planet on which we live.